Articles

We aim to build up a collection of interesting and informative articles about Imago. If you would like to contribute something about your experience or knowledge of Imago as a client or practitioner, please let us know.

• What Is Imago? – an introduction to Imago by Harville Hendrix
• What Is Imago? – an introduction to Imago by Alan Williams
• 60 Ideas for Having an Affair with Your Spouse / Committed Partner! – by Susie Itzstein
• Gottman’s Marriage Tips – by Susie Itzstein
• Why You Choose Your Partner and What Your Marriage/Committed Relationship is Trying to Teach You – by Susie Itzstein
• It’s About Connection, Not Communication – an interview with Dr Patricia Love, by Susie Itzstein
• Susie Itzstein’s Articles & Resources
• All About You – Clare Dwyer Hogg’s experience of doing a Getting The Love You Want workshop with Sophie Slade (from the October, 2006 edition of marie claire magazine)

60 Ideas for Having an Affair
with Your Spouse / Committed Partner!

by Susie Itzstein

Firstly let me say that this is not my idea. But it is such a marvellous idea I wanted to pass it on. It comes with thanks from a colleague of mine Dawn J. Lipthrott. Dawn is an Imago Therapist and Director of The Relationship Learning Centre, that provides education, coaching and counselling for individuals and couples who want to build and sustain solid relationships. “We help you take the relationship that you have and make it into the one you want”, is her offer and I refer you to her website for much interesting information.

Do you remember back to when you fell in love? Most new lovers move heaven and earth to catch a glimpse of each other just to spend even half an hour in each other’s presence. Being together took priority over all else. We neglected other responsibilities, shamelessly cancelled other meetings just to be together, and slipped away from work for extended lunch hours. Nothing got in the way. And when we weren’t together we’d be devising ways to see each other.

Many people get to a place in their relationship where they feel like they have fallen out of love with their spouse or life partner. Or more simply, many relationships suffer from boredom, stagnation or it just seems like there are many other things I’d rather do than spend time with my partner. I remember reading an article by Stephen Covey of the “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” fame where a man came up to him in one of his seminars and said “I’ve fallen out of love with my wife, what do I do?” Without delay he answered: “Go home and love her!” What a great response! Love is a verb; it’s something that we do, it’s an action. It’s not just a feeling or a noun. We teach: “Love is a decision followed by a behaviour”. People feel loved in response to getting their needs met. And often we need to stretch beyond our comfort zones to do things that will make our partners happy. And there is “hidden gold” for us in doing that which our partner most wants and needs from us that is the hardest for us to do. But that is the topic of another article!

So, jump start romance and connection and fun in your relationship with these tips. Use your imagination and let them inspire your own creative ideas! Imagine that you are just falling in love with your partner for the first time. If you have a reaction to doing any of this or can’t handle that your partner wants to and you don’t, may I suggest you see this as a “growth edge” for you. It’s OK to get stuck and not know how to do it or feel too uncomfortable with it. This would be a great point at which to get some coaching/counselling from someone who specializes in relationships. As Dawn says: “Most people don’t think twice about taking lessons to become better at what they care about: computer, golf, music, tennis, financial management, and other things. Relationships deserve and need that same kind of energy and commitment.” When these areas are not attended to and they just get pushed “under the carpet”, the “pile” will eventually trip us up and this is one of the main reasons we have a 50% divorce rate and at least half of the remaining 50% are unhappy. So I invite you to make a commitment to try something different from this list of ideas each day for the next 30 days. Have fun and take a risk to feel really loving and loved.

1. Call your partner unexpectedly just to say you love him/her and were thinking of him/her.
2. Call your spouse/partner just to tell them one thing you appreciate about them.
3. Send your spouse/partner flowers (home, office, hotel room), “just because”, or “thank you for ...”, or “because I love you”, etc..
4. Send a fax or an e–mail to work saying that you love your partner and can’t wait to be with him/her again.
5. Pick up flowers or dinner on the way home and surprise your partner. (If dinner, you might want to call and feel things out first!)
6. When you come home, find your partner and just hold him/her close for a moment (prolonged hug) – no words necessary.
7. Call your partner at 10:00am and tell them you are going to take them out to lunch.
8. Call your partner, tell them you’ll meet them for lunch, pick up cheese, crackers, and then find a place to make love!
9. When you walk by your partner at home, touch him/her, or give a hug, or caress.
10. Wake up to the day as if it was “the first time” you were alone with your spouse. Greet him/her enthusiastically. Sit and just look lovingly at him/her for a few moments. Ask about them and their day and just listen and try to let them know you understand (even if you disagree)–no problem solving unless asked for!
11. Write a note and put it where your partner will find it during the day. Tell the person loving things.
12. Make a list of 10 things you love about your partner and leave it where they will find it (or mail it).
13. Try a new way to make your lovemaking more sensual and prolonged. (Can use candles, incense, longer foreplay, times of just kissing and holding, caressing, exploring each other’s bodies by touch, etc.)
14. When you go to bed, sleep naked together without sex. Just hold your partner or snuggle next to him/her so your bodies touch.
15. Just hold your partner in bed (can be dressed) without sex until one of you falls asleep.
16. Bring home balloons (or hide them and put them out at night after your partner goes to bed) with a note or sign with something like “I celebrate YOU!”, “You are wonderful!”, or something similar.
17. Pamper your partner one evening. (Examples: If watching TV, ask partner if would like anything – offer to put stool under feet or take off shoes and massage feet. If cooking dinner, volunteer to clean up, do dishes while partner just relaxes. Give back rub. Put on soothing music. Etc...)
18. Next time you kiss, pause, look into your partner’s eyes remembering what it was like when you first met. Touch his/her face. Trace his/her lips with your finger. Slowly bring your lips to theirs– first gently kissing his/her upper lip, then lower lip. Embrace your partner and gently kiss them fully, letting your lips part, and enjoy every second of it. After the kissing is finished, just hold each other a few moments longer.
19. Plan a “date” – arrange for baby–sitters, clear calendar, etc. (Good to do this one once a week or at least every two weeks!)
20. “Surprise” your partner by taking them someplace they have said they wanted to go – a sporting event, a concert, a restaurant, a computer show, the mall, etc. Do it even if it isn’t something you like. Enjoy your partner enjoying it and do it simply for love.
21. Make a list of 10 romantic things to say to your partner and say them from time to time throughout the week.
22. Create a romantic dinner either out or in.
23. Take a bath together with bath oils, or bubbles, and candles.
24. Do what you would do for an anniversary on a regular day – just because.
25. Buy a gift for your partner – it can be a blouse or shirt she or he wanted – or something simple and inexpensive.
26. Plan a picnic in the park (or your own yard, or living room).
27. Even when you still have chores to do, take the day off, go to a movie or do something else fun.
28. Call your partner unexpectedly during the day (or at night if they are out of town) and talk sexy to him or her, telling them how much you long to feel him or her, etc.
29. Plan a surprise getaway weekend for just the two of you – arranging for baby–sitters, dogsitters, etc. Take your partner someplace you think he or she will love. You can go to a nice hotel in your own city!
30. Greet your partner at the airport with a balloon or flower and enthusiastic “welcome home”.
31. Take out an ad in the Lost and Found with something like, “I’ve found love with you”, or something similar. Have a florist deliver a rose, the newspaper and a note telling him or her which page to turn to and where the ad is.
32. Make sure your partner can sleep in one weekend morning. Take care of telephone, kids, dogs, etc.
33. Leave your favorite romantic song (even if from when you first dated) on your partner’s voice mail or answering machine.
34. Give your partner a massage on any part or all of his or her body (if full body, create climate with candles, etc.)
35. Sit and talk about fun and romantic times in your relationship – when you were dating, first married, etc. Enjoy the memories and think about how to bring some of that into the present.
36. Write a short poem (even if it doesn’t rhyme and even if you think you could never write poetry), telling of your love. You can start with lines like, “Like the light of a harvest moon ...”, “Heart to heart ...”, “Like the water caresses the sand...”, etc.
37. Lip sync a romantic song for your partner after dinner one night.
38. Bring home or to the office your partner’s favorite sweet thing.
39. Leave a flower on the pillow before your partner goes to bed – even if it is one you pick from your own yard.
40. Take the afternoon off and just go someplace with your partner.
41. Plan a “secret rendezvous” in your own town, in the city where your partner is on business, etc.
42. Send your partner a postcard when you are out of town saying you were thinking of him or her and love him or her. It doesn’t matter if you get home before the postcard does!
43. Write a love letter as if you were just falling in love with the person.
44. Tell your partner you that instead of watching TV tonight (or doing work, or fussing with the kids, etc.), you simply want to be with them.
45. Go for a walk together after dinner, holding hands and remembering good times you’ve had.
46. Write “I love You!” on the bathroom mirror with lipstick or shaving cream.
47. Shower together.
48. Paint a heart or something else on your partner’s body or body part with whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and lick it off slowly, and saying, “MMMMMMMmmmmmmm”.
49. Tell your partner before you go to bed, or before you leave in the morning, one of the things you love most about him or her (quality, physical characteristic, behavior, etc.).
50. Agree to meet at a social event or public place and act as if you are meeting each other for the first time – flirt, make “eyes” at each other or other gestures from across the room, rub against each other when walking by, etc.
51. Go skinny dipping in pool or hot tub or at the beach.
52. Test drive a Porsche or a convertible with the top down, and pretend you are seeing each other although it has been “forbidden” by your parents.
53. When your partner is coming home late in the evening (after a meeting, etc.), have bed turned down, hot bath ready with flower petals floating in it and candles.
54. Rent a video you know your spouse would like or liked in the past, make popcorn and have an evening together like teenagers.
55. Create your own “slumber party” for just the two of you.
56. Drive to the beach (or spend the night) and go for walks on the beach holding hands.
57. When you have to go out of town on business, add an extra day and invite your spouse to join you for all or part of your trip.
58. Undress your partner as if it were the first time – slowly, touching their body as you go.
59. Make sexy comments to your partner throughout the evening.
60. Use your imagination – this is a person you are just falling in love with (again!) – be creative in ways to express that, be together, etc.

Gottman’s Marriage Tips

by Susie Itzstein

I would like to share with you about Professor John Gottman, who is the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington, USA. This Institute was created to foster research on marriage, couples, parenting and families. Dr Gottman has gained international repute as a researcher who knows what makes marriage last and what makes it fall apart. He is the author of many best–selling popular books on Marriage and Parenting (see The Gottman Institute). His most recent works include: The Relationship Cure; The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last, and The Heart of Parenting – Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.

Dr John Gottman has studied what he calls the “masters and disasters” of marriage in his work at what the media has termed “The Love Lab” at the University of Washington, where ordinary people from the general public take part in long–term studies. Applying strict scientific rigour, his team videotapes married couples as they go about a lazy day “at home” in the “love lab” and monitor physiological signs like heart rate and blood pressure as the couple discusses areas of conflict. By toting up the positive and negative interactions, checking “repair attempts” during fights, watching for incidents of contemptuous behavior, etc., Gottman is able to predict which couples will make it and which will not, with more than 90% accuracy. In fact it is possible for them to predict which newlywed couples will divorce from the way partners interact in just the first three minutes of a discussion. Pretty stunning, hey! They examine among other things partners’ heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to other people.

So, what advice does Dr. Gottman have to offer? These are some of his top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong. (The following is quoted from The Gottman Institute’s Marriage & Couples Self–Help & Tips.)

• Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
• Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
• Soften your “start up.” Arguments first “start up” because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get–go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame.
• Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, “Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready”, and her husband replies, “My plans are set, and I’m not changing them”. This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband’s ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice–versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
• Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
• Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark (“I understand that this is hard for you”); making it clear you’re on common ground (“This is our problem”); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way (“I really appreciate and want to thank you for.”). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20–minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
• Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones.  For example, “We laugh a lot;” not, “We never have any fun”. A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.

Why You Choose Your Partner and What Your Marriage/Committed Relationship is Trying to Teach You

by Susie Itzstein

You thought you chose your Beloved because they were soft, gentle, loving or maybe strong, dependable, intelligent or playful, handsome, free–spirited, spontaneous, generous, spiritual, good–looking, had a great body, sexy, beautiful... you know, all those gorgeous qualities we place at the head of our lists if we are thinking about what to look for in our ideal partners. But the part of our brain that comes up with all these wonderful qualities is unfortunately not the part of us that choses our partners. There is a hidden reason you picked your partner and a hidden agenda in love relationships. Many theories of relationship espouse this attitude.

I would like to share with you a perspective or a way of looking at relationships that has significantly influenced the way I see the world and all my relationships. It is a synthesis of many theories.

1. Relationships have an unconscious purpose that is to get the needs met that weren’t met as we were growing up.
2. Every living thing has embedded within it a “blueprint” for what it will become as an adult. This blueprint involves accomplishing certain developmental tasks at specific stages during childhood. All children go through stages of development – for instance being babies and being close and attached to their parents, to then starting to move away and explore the world, to learning how to do tasks and achieve things, and so on. We all go through these stages. Since most people have had less–than–perfect childhoods and have had contact with less–than–perfect people, most people have “childhood wounds”. By “wounds” I mean the needs that were not met in childhood and the developmental tasks that were not completely accomplished.
3. Another part of that “blueprint” is that we carry around inside us an image or a picture of the way someone who loves us will treat us and the way I will respond to them and treat them. This image is made up of the positive and negative traits of the people who influenced us at an early age. From earliest childhood, our brains are actually formed and wired according to what is repeated in the environment around us. Whatever is repeated over and over and modelled to us becomes our perception of who we are and what we can expect from the world. Recent scientific research on the brain shows that the neural pathways that are at the basis of our behaviour are formed in relation to the people that are significant to us as we are growing up. Caretakers are most crucial in shaping the child’s developing self–image and world–image. Whatever is fired over and over gets wired. What were the models of behaviour and love that you were exposed to and influenced by?
4. So unknowingly, we are drawn to and select partners who are like our parents and they will be unskilled in helping us to get those very needs met! We bring that agenda to all our adult relationships.
5. And this unconscious agenda is why relationships shift from the place of deepest love to total negativity in the space of seconds. Your husband just “turned into” your father and you swore you would never choose a husband (or wife) like that! And their behaviour reminds us of all the times we didn’t get our needs met and how hurt we felt.
6. This partner that most matches what we got in the past is also the person who is most able to help you to heal the wounds of your past. Your marriage/relationship becomes the therapy – you become healed not by a counsellor but by the relationship itself.

“Most of the serious problems in relationships stem from the fact that people do not understand the true nature of love”, says Pat Love in her highly recommended book, The Truth About Love. She says that couples have many misconceptions about the nature of love and these lead to destructive conclusions. All relationships go through normal and predictable stages and that many couples mistake the lows for the end of love.

Remember when you fell in love... it was like all your dreams had come true. Like you imagined it would last forever. At the infatuation/romantic stage we are in a chemically–driven space where we only experience our partners positive qualities and this is not what love is really about. This stage doesn’t last and it isn’t meant to. We then move into what we call the power struggle. So what are we to do then as we feel we are living in our worst nightmare as all the negative qualities that we thought we had left behind are showing up? Our partner’s behaviour reminds us of the very things we wanted to get away from when we left home.

Is there one thing all couples need to know?

People need to know what love is, and what love is not – that love is not sexual desire, not infatuation. Says Pat Love, “It’s a misconception that love is a feeling and you either have it, or you don’t. The fact is that loves grows in response to getting your needs met.”

Find out what your partner needs, what says, “I love you” to your partner and give it as a gift. Learn how to love your partner in the way they want to be loved. That’s really a key.

So paradoxically the proposition I want to put to you is that your greatest growth and life changes will come from stretching into doing the very things that will make your partner feel most loved and cared for... and which are the hardest for you to do.

“This is a revolutionary view of relationships: rather than leaving it to find yourself, you find yourself through it – being the right partner is more important than picking the right partner.” Harville Hendrix.

What does your partner ask you to do that is important to them that you don’t do very well? It might be listening, or talking or not talking, or spending time doing things together, or feeling, or touching, or cuddling, or laughing and playing, or speaking gently, or dancing, or valuing the way they do things, or going on holidays instead of always working, or being on time, or making love, or a million and one things.

What does your partner ask you to do that you continually reject? This again, believe it or not, is your greatest growth edge and opportunity for you to grow into being more of who you truly are. Giving your partner what is hardest to give is healing for them as you are meeting their needs but it is also growthful for you as you have to stretch into doing new behaviours that wasn’t OK for you to do as you were growing up. It will feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It won’t feel like “being you”.

Love is a DECISION. It is not just a feeling. It is a decision we make (or we don’t make) and we make it every day, every minute, in the way that we behave with one another. Motivational and management specialist Stephen Covey was asked at one of his seminars by a participant: what do you do when you don’t love your wife anymore? He answered, “Go home and love her.” And the guy said, “but I just told you I don’t love her anymore.” He replied. “Love is a verb.” It is something that you do.

It sounds so simple and yet it’s so hard to change behaviour – our behaviour. Remember to be kind to yourself as change takes time and practice. And it is good to start with baby steps and give yourself “L” plates. Remember the Chinese proverb: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

I am inviting you to look at yourself and your life and relationships in a completely new way. Behaving in an intentional and loving way toward your partner is the greatest opportunity you have to help you heal unresolved pain from childhood for yourself as well as for your partner and for both of you to become who you truly are.

I’d like to end with offering you an exercise you might like to do that will throw some light on the unconscious agenda you bring to your adult relationships. Happy Loving!

Who is My Perfect Partner – My “Imago Match”?

Write down your answers to the tasks below. You can choose from the lists of words or use your own.

A. Think of your childhood caretakers. List their negative qualities. Pick at least 5. For example: absent, abusive, addicted, aggressive, alcoholic, angry, boring, busy, cold, controlling, critical, dangerous, depressed, dishonest, distant, emotional, fragile, grumpy, immature, impatient, insensitive, intrusive, jealous, lazy, passive, passive–aggressive, perfectionist, reactive, rigid, sarcastic, shallow, stingy, unaffectionate, unavailable, unforgiving, uninterested, unreliable, wounding.

B. Think of frustrating times you had with them and list how you felt. Pick at least 5. For example: abandoned, afraid, alone, angry, anxious, ashamed, cheated, cold, depressed, disappointed, distant, embarrassed, frustrated, guilty, hopeless, hurt, inadequate, insecure, jealous, mistrustful, rejected, unloved.

C. Now list their positive qualities. Pick at least 5. For example: accessible, affectionate, altruistic, attentive, available, confident, connected, courageous, creative, dependable, enthusiastic, fair, faithful, forgiving, hard–working, honest, open–minded, playful, respectful, responsible, safe, sincere, spiritual, spontaneous, supportive, talented, tender, tolerant, trustworthy, warm, wise.

D. Think of the pleasant times you had with them and list how you felt. Pick at least 5. For example: close, excited, happy, loved, loving peaceful, playful, proud, reassured, respected, safe, satisfied, secure, trusted, warm.

E. List how you most often reacted as a child/teen to those frustrating times. Pick at least 5. For example: argued, became aggressive, became depressed, became low achieving, became passive, became passive–aggressive, became super–achieving, became rebellious, complained, criticized, distanced, drank, failed, got in fights, isolated, left, nagged, over–ate, slammed doors, slept, starved myself, stayed busy, talked to friends, threw and broke things, threw–up, used drugs, whined, withdrew, yelled and screamed.

My Unconscious is trying to find a partner who is [answers from question A].

With whom I often feel [answers from question B].

But I’m only trying to get them to become [answers from question C].

So that I can begin to feel [answers from question D].

However, I have sometimes sabotaged getting my needs met because I [answers from question E].

Do you find these statements to be mostly true of your current and/or previous partners with who you were in a committed relationship with for more than 6 months? Most people do!

It’s About Connection, Not Communication

New and exciting information about what brings men and women closer,
and what tears relationships apart.

Susie Itzstein interviews Dr Patricia Love about her newest book she co–authored with Dr. Steven Stosny:
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Love Beyond Words. (Please note the paperback version selling in Australia is titled Why Women Talk and Men Walk.)

Susie: It is a delight to talk with you Pat about your new book. I have devoured your book and recommend it to everyone. I have had great feedback from clients and colleagues about how powerful it has been for them, especially from the men, and many of these men don’t usually read books, especially not relationship books. Comments like: “It was a book for both sides – there isn’t favouritism to the man or woman.” “What stood out for me is that men don’t understand why women do what they do and that women don’t understand why men do what they do. It showed me that almost every male is experiencing the same thing – It’s reassuring to know that it is not just about me.” “What comes out of this is that THERE IS NO BLAME – we are all human – the only fault is we are not taught this early enough in life.”

Pat: Thank you so much. What a pleasure to hear those comments and to be talking with you.

Susie: I’ve heard lots of people talking about “The Secret” these days Pat, and my reading and experiencing of your work always feels like you are sharing some very important “secrets”. My life changes every time I put your teachings into practice and often in my professional life it actually turns what I have been doing totally on its head. It seems that most people don’t know about these “secrets” you share in this book and the other ones you have written, and if they did their life would change in so many ways. I see you a bit like a “Myth Buster”! We live our lives following certain assumptions and theories and traditions which in turn lead to our ways of behaving, and you come along and entice me to have second thoughts about how and what I am doing. What’s even nicer is that you do it in such a way that it doesn’t feel a bit shocking or attacking to me, but rather like we are just sitting around having a chat and you come out with what feels like an epiphany to me ... which questions and topples something that I have held true and sacred for me ... and what you say makes so much sense to me I am very willing to relinquish my old ways and beliefs.

Pat: I’ve always been a skeptic, a person who wants to know: why does that work? How does that work? For instance, literally, when you say, “be intimate”, what do you mean? What is going on? I’d want to measure it. It’s been my intent to understand at a deeper level what is going on between men and women and in all relationships and why. We have all these techniques, all this knowledge, all this theory, and still there are issues that don’t get addressed with individuals and couples. I’m interested in slowing everything down and looking at and understanding the micro level of what’s going on between people.

Susie: I can understand having that attitude especially when there is so much marriage and relationship breakdown and consequent heartbreak. Clearly what has been done in marriage education and counselling hasn’t been working as well as it needs to. In Australia we have a divorce rate where more than 1 in 2 marriages fail and it feels crucial to understand more clearly about what brings men and women together, what tears relationships apart and how to be intimate and in relationships long term. Would you share with us the major ideas of this new book?

Pat: What we are saying in essence is that love is not about better communication. It’s about connecting without words. The stunning truth about love is that talking rarely helps when you are out of connection and there are more powerful ways for couples to connect.

Susie: Sounds like you are about to turn some “accepted” ideas on their head in that most marriage education and counselling is based in talking and teaching people how to talk in more conscious, intentional, and loving ways.

Pat: Yes that is true. In this book we illustrate that underneath most couple’s fights and their growing apart there is a biological difference at work. The difference is in the way the sexes experience fear and shame. Most men dread, “Honey, we need to talk”. This is because the usual reason the woman wants to talk is because they are upset about something and want to feel better. Men don’t want to talk because talking won’t make them feel better. In fact it will usually make them feel worse! The real reason that the woman wants to talk about what is upsetting her – which often is delivered as a frustration, criticism, complaint, nagging or the like which is accompanied by an energy of disappointment and resentment – is that the disconnection she feels leads her to feeling anxious, and on a deeper level, isolated and afraid, and what she really wants is to feel close to him. And the real reason the man doesn’t want to talk about the relationship is that he thinks that she wants to tell him yet again that he’s failing her. Her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel inadequate and like a failure and on a deeper level he feels ashamed. And on top of that his shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear stops her from experiencing and understanding his shame.

Susie: This is groundbreaking information. There is so much in what you have just said. That last sentence: “his shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear stops her from experiencing and understanding his shame”, creates such a cycle of hurt and pain. And we all know how very hard it is to recognize and be sensitive to our partner’s vulnerability when we are wrapped up in our own.

Pat: Yes extremely hard. The number one cause for the soaring divorce rate and/or separation is the male–female disconnection. Some 80% of divorcees say they “grew apart”. This is so tragic because it’s unnecessary. They are not disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected. In the beginning of the relationship, when they felt connected they communicated easily and often quite deeply. Couples talk for hours on end. They felt emotionally connected to each other. Our work shows how to regain this kind of mutually soothing connection and closeness.

Susie: I think one of the greatest strengths of this book is that it is written by both a man and a woman, and that you and Steven bring a wealth of knowledge, wisdom, and experience from your different backgrounds. You both know so much about making relationships work and making love long–lasting and deep. As the author of Truth About Love: The Highs, Lows and How You Can Make It Last Forever, Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking, and How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship, it's been your business to know how to succeed at maintaining a strong relationship. And you’ve added to this in the last few years all your study drawing on the latest scientific research on the brain. And then putting all your knowledge together with Steven makes such an awesome team.

Pat: It was so delightful working with Steven and I find it a credit to our friendship that we’re better friends after writing a book together. It can be a trying experience, but I have to say it was so delightful and I’m still learning about the “other”. I still at times say, “Steven, what do you think about this?”, and he’ll say something and I’ll think, I never would have thought of that. One of my favourite examples is one time I asked him, “Why would a man stay with a mean woman?”, and he said, “a man stays with a mean woman because he can’t stand the thought of another man making her happy”. I would never have thought of that. He talks so frankly from the male perspective that it’s literally like talking to an alien. And there are things that I would write or say in the book and he would just say too, “I would never have thought of that”, and because we’re not partners or in a romantic relationship we can hear it a lot better.

Susie: Yes, that makes so much sense. The friendship is evident in the flavour of the book. Steven’s latest book, You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One, is also one that is impacting so many men’s lives, and consequently the women and children they are in relationship with. Steven’s work on core values features quite strongly in the book as the best place to start changing old patterns. You stress two things in Part II of the book: self–compassion and compassion for your partner, and learning to transform the fear and shame into connection.

Pat: One of the major points from How to Improve your Marriage without Talking About It that I love, is the section on core values, which says that once I determine my core values, my responsibility is then to act with integrity around my core values, regardless of how it feels.

Susie: To act with integrity around your core values regardless of how it feels, no matter what.

Pat: Yes, doing what you feel like doing will get you what you’ve already got, but if you want something different you’ve got to do something different. It’s about how you change your brain. Sitting with the discomfort is imperative in changing the brain. Once the neural pathway is there, it’s there, so you cannot erase it. But what you can do is form a stronger, more compelling neural pathway. You have to form a deeper rut in your brain, and how your brain changes is by emotion. When the brain perceives relevance, when the brain perceives something important is happening, it washes that experience with emotion. One of the most powerful ways to change your life is to give what you want to get. That sounds simple except you have to give what takes your breath away, because giving what is easy doesn’t have an emotional response, it has no relevance to the brain. You will not get a new neural pathway doing what is easy. You have to give generously and altruistically what really just takes your breath away.

Susie: More than once.

Pat: Yes, more than once, and the harder it is and the more generous and altruistic it is, and the more difficult, the deeper the new pathway is going to be. So, if my core value is to be loving and kind then I say, “Is what I am doing kind?”, instead of saying, “Does this feel good, do I feel like doing it, does this feel right?” That’s not the best question if we want to change our lives.

Susie: I say that doing what is hardest to do is our greatest growth edge and opportunity to grow into being more of who we truly are. Change is about doing what feels unfamiliar, awkward and uncomfortable.

Pat: Yes. It has to feel awkward at first – that’s what changing habits is all about. We say the best place to start changing old patterns in your relationships is to write out your answer to the following questions: What is the most important thing about you as a person? How do you want to be seen, and that’s really the operative question – how do you want others to see you? How do you want to be remembered? How do you want people who you love to think of you after you’re gone? What do you want to stand for, to be remembered for?

Susie: So maybe what do you want on your tombstone?

Pat: Yes, what do you want on your tombstone? Think of how you want your children to describe you when they are adults. Most people will write something like the ability to love, protect, and support their loved ones is the most important thing about them. Almost invariably it comes down to caring for the people you love. Also write what is the most important thing about you as a partner.

Susie: And what is the crucial point regarding the most important things about you as a person and a partner?

Pat: Every time you violate your core values, even if you are just reacting to your partner, you feel bad and guilty and shameful. Guilt is the direct result of your beliefs and actions being out of alignment with each other. The vast majority of our negative emotions comes from violating the most important things to us and about us. If you are feel resentful, angry, or critical, you’re also experiencing some form of unconscious guilt, shame, or anxiety.

Susie: That sounds profoundly important. You spend considerable time talking about the fear–shame cycle in the book and have split the book into two parts.

Pat: Yes that is right. Part I is about why it’s been so hard to improve your relationship. The following topics covered in Part I of the book show why research and our personal experience prove that talking about it usually makes things worse: broken connection; fear and shame; why we fight; The Silent Male - what he’s thinking and feeling; the worst thing a woman does to a man; the worst thing a man does to a woman; and how fear and shame lead to infidelity and divorce. And Part II of the book, titled, “using your fear and shame to create love beyond words”, has sections on how to recognize hidden fear and shame: developing binocular vision; forget feelings, think motivation; the only connection skill you need - protect–and–connect; when sex talks, who needs words?; Power Love Formula - 4¾ minutes a day to a powerful relationship; and the great chapter written by Steven for men.

Susie: Yes, I think just the heading will appeal: Man to Man – how to strengthen your relationship without becoming a woman. You present such a lot of new ideas and information and you continuously include research from neurophysiology and gender science to support your thesis.

Pat: I have found that one way to cause a paradigm shift in working with couples is to give highly scientific, physiological information that makes sense of their experiences. This information allows them to understand that their actions and reactions are not an indication that they are mad, bad, or there’s a problem with who they are, but that there’s a physical process influencing those interactions, and there is something they can do about it. Our theories of how change happens are being transformed by the breakthroughs in neuroscience. These findings are opening doors to exciting, positive ways to change our own lives and those of our clients.

Susie: There is so much richness in this material I want to share with everyone that are absolute gems from this book. I am always left very full talking with you and at the same time wanting to hear and learn more from you. It is encouraging that there is a practical, highly effective programme for change that gives neurological and physiological information that makes sense of our experiences. I hope I have whet the appetite of our readers to learn more of this and are excited that you will be presenting this work in Perth in late January and early February 2008. Thank you, it has been very rewarding for me to have this time with you, Pat.

Pat: Me too, thank you so much. I am very much looking forward to coming to Australia which is a favourite place for me.

So to conclude, here are some powerful points for men and women to remember!

When you are aware of your innate impulses as a man or a woman, you can choose how to act and improve your connection and communication.

When you are aware of and respect and honour your partner’s fear or shame vulnerability, you can improve your connection and communication.

The key is connection – when people are connected they communicate effectively.

Imago  ~  A New Way To Love